While the McChump Racing Tour has spent most of 1995 asserting,
in succinct prose, that racing is the Bestest and Funnest Form of
Entertainment Known to Mankind, the hypothesis has never been subjected
to critical objective analysis. Therefore, this 14th (and probably
final) installment of the McChump 1995 ??/365 Racing Tour Report,
featuring in this episode Hawthorne Racecourse, will be presented in
the form of an ultra-scientifical and numerical comparison of
Racing to Another Form of Professional Sports Entertainment.
The subjects of this study were:
a) Hawthorne Racecourse, Hawthorne Gold Cup Day, 11/18/95
b) Chicago's United Center, Blackhawks vs. New York Rangers, 11/16/95
The hard numbers:
United Center Hawthorne
Parking: $10.00 $3.00*
Admission/seating: $50.00 $4.25*
Program: $4.00 $1.50
Beer: $4.00 $2.75
Big greasy Polish: ----- $3.00
Big greasy pizza: $4.50 -----
Totals: $72.50 $14.50
* I think.
The intangibles (presented here in the BSF format - 80=par)
Traffic on the way: 60 (rush hour) 35 (construction)
Track cafe: -0 80 (Sportsman's)
National anthem: 65 64
Yelling during the
National anthem 95 1
Concessions (variety) 87 12
Concessions (costs) 55 84
Gift Shop (variety) 97 12
Gift shop (costs) 56 68
Concession help whose
primary job seemed to
be "aerobics
instructor" 75 -0
Cool old bartenders
named Bennie -0 95
Championship banners
hanging from rafters 87 -0
Big pile of pumpkins
in the infield -0 92
Hot babes in tight
jeans and low cut
blouses shooting
goals during 2nd
intermission 82 -0
Overweight ex-madames
wearing green leather
cowboy outfits with
green leather cowboy
hats and green boots
with cute little
spurs -0 114
Heavy equipment 85 (Zambonis) 82 (Tractors)
Characters talking
to themselves -0 86
Totally drunk young
women whose
boyfriends were
holding them up and
you were hoping they
didn't puke on your
shoes 72 -0
Beer advertising 92 17
Underachieving stars: 58 (Bob Probert) 47 (Recoup the Cash)
Big fat stoopers in
blue sweat pants
and green sweaters -0 88
Grade II races on
the program -0 80
Thrashings of some
scummy team from NY 80 -0
Totals: 1146 1057
Thus, we find that while racing is easily the best bargain in
sports entertainment, the "big time" sports world has managed
edge out racing in terms of the "intangibles", those things
that make a sporting event "FUN".
Hey Hawthorne (and all you other tracks me 'n McChump #2 visited this
year) - get some decent food out there. Make your gift shop worth
visiting. Get some more bartenders like Bennie. Get the beer companies
to pay for your ample advertising space. You got the best bargains in
the business. Now just market the whole entertainment package like the
Blackhawks do.
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